Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Rules of Life with a Baby

1. It's okay for the guy to carry a man purse...even if it's red and says "Kate Spade". It has diapers in it, so it's not emasculating.

2. Ponytails and chipped nail polish are the "in thing"...just keep repeating it and eventually you might believe it.

3. Nobody else is allowed to say the word "tired" unless it is preceded by "the baby kept us up". It just isn't true otherwise.

4. "Where'd those socks go?!" has a whole new meaning when they're an inch long.

5. Pitching a hissy fit can and DOES get you what you want.

6. The word "nipple" no longer sounds sexy or dirty.

7. When getting dressed, you color coordinate your outfits to match the poop, boogers and spit-up that will eventually grace your clothing.

8. The words "oooooh look how tiny!" are no longer construed as a bad thing.

9. You have an awesome new excuse to not participate in lame social events.

10. There's no such thing as too many pictures....well, there might be, but you don't give a hoot.

11. While you can't show off your injuries like former "battle wounds", you now how have awesome "you think that's bad? Well guess what I did!" story.

12. If the sermon is boring, just pinch the baby and head out!

13. All surfaces CAN be cleaned. It may take bleach and steel wool, but it CAN be cleaned!

14. You will learn to read lips while watching television.

15. You become very skilled at doing tasks with one hand. "Oh look dishes, I just washed you with my left hand! What now???"

16. Many of your old phrases are now being replaced with things like: "crud buckets", "sugar foot", "mother of pearl", and "shut the front door".

17. Frozen dinners are perfectly acceptable...and eventually you get past that aluminum taste.

18. You can fart in public and blame it on the baby.

19. "There's milk in the fridge" does not necessarily mean you can have a bowl of cereal to go with it.

20. "Your body is a wonderland" has suddenly become "your body is a vending machine".

21. For the first time in your life you will use the words "mom, you're a genius".

22. An obsession with toes/ears/tummies is considered completely normal.

23. Baby wipes can substitute for all of the following: napkins, eyeglass cleaner, paper towels, toilet paper, wash clothes, burp rags, armor-all wipes for your car, Windex, makeup remover, Kleenex, doggy mud-wipes, dust rags, screen cleaner for your ipod, phone, computer or television,, and miniature surrender flags (just wave them in the air when you've had enough and you need someone else to take over).

24. Spit baths really do work, and can also be used on your husband.

25. A 3 course dinner simply means you will eat one sandwich over the course of 3 hours.

One final thing I've learned: If you want to rule the world, just have a baby. People move out of your way, get you anything you want and have nothing but wonderful things to say to you :) My evil plan is working.


*Lindsay*Jordan* said...

Kacey... I love you.

~Stephanie said...

Number 21 has always been true. It's just that NOW you are beginning to realize it!


E the M.E. said...

You are hilarious. I've missed your blogs! You realize that you just revealed your secrets, and I will remember these next time you leave during church, I hear a poot, or you say no to something I invite you too... ;-)

MichaelPolutta said...

Baby wipes clean carpets! You'll keep them in your car LONG after diapers.

mnpolutta said...

Just learned all of that in a month. Thing about all you are going to learn over the next (insert whatever number you want) years. I promise you, you will still be learning the rules when your little girl is 15.