Monday, October 18, 2010

Miracle Juice

I'm sure the mother's out there are aware of the miraculous powers that breastmilk has, but I just have to share this because it's crazy awesome.

God made our bodies pretty cool.

So...Mayah had an eye infection. I emailed our midwife to see what might be the cause/cure, and she told me it was probably a small case of conjunctivitis (very common in newborns who have tear ducts that are a little slow to open).

She told me to use breastmilk.

I emailed her back and said "USE breastmilk??? Like, put it in her eye????" "Yes", she said. "Just use a dropper and put some straight into her eye. Breastmilk has macrophages which eat bacteria and kill infection."

So I put milk in her eye.

Her eye is a million times better.

Then, Mayah developed a little rash on her face (again, common in breastfeeding newborns because she's getting a big 'ole dose of my hormones with each feeding, so it caused her to break out a little bit).

I wondered....

So I put milk on her face.

Her breakout had gotten BAD. It was starting to get scabby around her ears and her entire little face was red.

We woke up the next morning and it was almost completely gone.

A couple more applications and her little face was baby smooth again.

A.Mazing.

I burned my finger. This is a very common occurrence in our household. Whenever I try to cook, I inevitably burn my finger on the oven. This culinary attempt was no different.

The burn immediately started to blister and scab...it was bad, and very painful.

SO....I put some milk on it :-D

The pain went away instantly. I wrapped it in a bandaid, and the next morning there was NO sign that there had ever been a burn on my finger.

Did you know that burn centers around the world use breastmilk to cure their patients?

Breastmilk is pretty miraculous stuff. God made it to do a lot more than just feed babies. People use it to cure colds, soothe sore throats and heal wounds. Some have also been known to use it as a substitute for contact solution :)

It has been scientifically proven that women who breastfeed have a greatly reduced risk of breast cancer. Did you also know that donor breastmilk is used for various purposes in over 25 different medical procedures?

Since I'm so amazed with this miracle juice, I've decided to partner with Gus Portokalos, market it in conjunction with Windex and make a fortune off of a line of new face creams. I think we'll call it WindMilk...since BreastEx might give the wrong idea for the cream's intended usage.

So for those of you who use the phrase "rub some basil on it", I think you should seriously consider replacing "basil" with "breastmilk". Just try it and see what kind of reactions you get. :-D

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Rules of Life with a Baby

1. It's okay for the guy to carry a man purse...even if it's red and says "Kate Spade". It has diapers in it, so it's not emasculating.

2. Ponytails and chipped nail polish are the "in thing"...just keep repeating it and eventually you might believe it.

3. Nobody else is allowed to say the word "tired" unless it is preceded by "the baby kept us up". It just isn't true otherwise.

4. "Where'd those socks go?!" has a whole new meaning when they're an inch long.

5. Pitching a hissy fit can and DOES get you what you want.

6. The word "nipple" no longer sounds sexy or dirty.

7. When getting dressed, you color coordinate your outfits to match the poop, boogers and spit-up that will eventually grace your clothing.

8. The words "oooooh look how tiny!" are no longer construed as a bad thing.

9. You have an awesome new excuse to not participate in lame social events.

10. There's no such thing as too many pictures....well, there might be, but you don't give a hoot.

11. While you can't show off your injuries like former "battle wounds", you now how have awesome "you think that's bad? Well guess what I did!" story.

12. If the sermon is boring, just pinch the baby and head out!

13. All surfaces CAN be cleaned. It may take bleach and steel wool, but it CAN be cleaned!

14. You will learn to read lips while watching television.

15. You become very skilled at doing tasks with one hand. "Oh look dishes, I just washed you with my left hand! What now???"

16. Many of your old phrases are now being replaced with things like: "crud buckets", "sugar foot", "mother of pearl", and "shut the front door".

17. Frozen dinners are perfectly acceptable...and eventually you get past that aluminum taste.

18. You can fart in public and blame it on the baby.

19. "There's milk in the fridge" does not necessarily mean you can have a bowl of cereal to go with it.

20. "Your body is a wonderland" has suddenly become "your body is a vending machine".

21. For the first time in your life you will use the words "mom, you're a genius".

22. An obsession with toes/ears/tummies is considered completely normal.

23. Baby wipes can substitute for all of the following: napkins, eyeglass cleaner, paper towels, toilet paper, wash clothes, burp rags, armor-all wipes for your car, Windex, makeup remover, Kleenex, doggy mud-wipes, dust rags, screen cleaner for your ipod, phone, computer or television,, and miniature surrender flags (just wave them in the air when you've had enough and you need someone else to take over).

24. Spit baths really do work, and can also be used on your husband.

25. A 3 course dinner simply means you will eat one sandwich over the course of 3 hours.


One final thing I've learned: If you want to rule the world, just have a baby. People move out of your way, get you anything you want and have nothing but wonderful things to say to you :) My evil plan is working.