I'm not in a particularly grouchy mood today, but while I'm slightly in the mood to laugh about these things, I wanted to record them. This way, when I am again well rested and non-hormonal (I realize that will probably be a couple of years) I can come back and further amuse myself with the audacity of some people.
It truly amazes me what people have said to me because I'm pregnant. If I was not pregnant, there is NO WAY people would say any of these things, but apparently being super-sized, exhausted, and hormonal means I can better accept criticism and advice. .....really??
So here are my top "favorite" things people have said to me over the past 8 1/2 months, and what I really wanted to say back to them:
- "Are you sure you're not having twins????" Yep, I'm sure. Two ultrasounds to prove it. But THANKS for making me feel super fat.
- "You look soooo tired!" Why thank you, I am exhausted! But you could just come out and tell me I look like crap. Don't beat around the bush :)
- "Are you surviving this heat??" Last time I checked, I've still got a pulse. Yes it's hot, but I do know how to turn the air conditioning on and stay out of the direct sunlight.
- Are you sooooo ready to be done with this??" Hmm...lemmie check. YES. However, my baby girl is NOT ready yet, and she takes priority right now. I prefer a well done baby as opposed to a medium rare baby. I think I'll manage another couple of weeks.
- (This may have been my favorite so far...) Today, a lady kept baiting me, asking me about all the difficult parts of my pregnancy, and getting me to tell her all about when I was sick and how I'm tired and can't get comfortable when I sleep and such, and then she looked at me and said (with extreme pride as if she was the only one in the world who ever felt this way) "well IIIII actually enjoyed ALL of MY pregnancies, and I wouldn't have traded any minute of them!" Really, thanks for that. You know what? I love the parts where I can feel my baby kick, and when we got to see her on the ultrasounds, and when I got to pick out her crib and baby clothes, and when we decided on her name, and when I felt her hiccups for the first time, and when Nathan got to feel her move the first time. But you know what? I can't say as I've enjoyed "blossoming" outward for the last nine months, puking my guts up for 3 months, having to swallow horse-pill sized vitamins every day, and now being so exhausted and not being able to get comfortable in any position...those parts, not so crazy about. But I'm SOOOOOOO glad you didn't puke your guts up or feel "icky" at any point in your pregnancy...that really makes me want to hug you right now.
- "You're having your baby at HOME????? YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!!" Um....yep. We can.
- "Just wait til the baby is here..." This is said in many different forms and in response to many things. The other day, I was sharing a dog story with a friend, and she had the audacity to tell me that if I couldn't handle my dog, there was no way I was gonna be okay with a kid. i never said I couldn't handle my dog...we were swapping dog stories...didn't realize I was leaving myself open for criticism. Another one happened when somebody ASKED me if I was tired. I responded with "oh yeah, but just because I can't get comfortable...I've got plenty of time to rest, just can't seem to sleep!" So their immediate comeback was "well, just wait til the baby is here...you'll never rest again!" Thanks, wasn't aware of that. Another favorite is when I say how I enjoy hanging out with friends, or I'm having fun doing something...somebody always says, "well just wait til the baby is here; you won't be able to do those things anymore!" Riiiiiight, because everybody who's ever had a baby lost all of their friends and were never able to go to the movies again.
- Possibly the worst (said when a person's child is acting out) - "See what you have to look forward to????" No, I'm sorry that your kid is a pain and doesn't ever listen to you, but I plan to discipline my child. (I haven't actually said this out loud, obviously, but I've SOOOOOOO wanted to on more than one occasion!)
- "Make sure you get plenty of rest while you still can!" Thanks for the advice, because I didn't know I needed to sleep. Honestly though, is resting more now really gonna help me after a 12+ hour labor?? Pretty sure I'm gonna be tired after that no matter what happens. It's like people think that sleeping extra time now is similar to putting sleep in a freezer....that way, when I'm tired after the baby is here, I can just go pull out a bottle of "sleep", thaw it, and be good to go for another 24 hours!
- "Are you ready to have a baby?" Well, I don't think that's really the question to be asking NOW, but yeah, I actually AM ready to have a baby. I'm aware that there will be no sleep, that I will probably pull some hair out, that my relationship with my husband will change, and that I'll go a little crazy, but YES I am ready to be a mom and to meet this kid.
- "You are TOO young to have a baby!" Okay, well you're too old.
- "WOW your boobs are HUGE!" This one comes from a specific person (who does not read my blog, don't worry), and I'm really really really really really really sick of it. Yes, I'm aware that they have gotten bigger, but I'm also aware that yours aren't small. The worst occurrence of this happened when my in-laws were here. This particular person turned around DURING COMMUNION, and IN FRONT OF GLEN AND VICKI and made a gesture as if to say "they've grown even more!!" I'm pretty sure everybody sitting within ten pews saw her do it. I was mortified.
- "You won't make it through a natural birth. Nobody does." You're right, none of the millions of women who had babies before they invented the epidural were able to successfully deliver their baby. Thanks for the encouragement though :)
" "Do you have any stretch marks yet??" Hmm....I don't really see how that's any of your business, but no, my tummy is stretch mark free, thanks. "Well, it won't last. You'll get some, but it's okay. You're not a real woman until you have stretch marks." Awesome.
- A few more of my favorite things people say on a regular basis: "You HAVE to use this product", "you won't want to hold your kid all the time", "you'll be so ready to get out of the house after you have the baby", "you aren't gonna like that one...this is the one I used, you should get it because it's better", "enjoy every minute of this because you're only pregnant for so long (generally this occurs after they've spent half an hour telling me how horrible their pregnancy was)", "caffeine won't hurt your baby", and "oooooh, if you can't sleep, you should try _______ (drug item)".
Please do not read this blog the wrong way...I mean it in jest and fun. I feel I've been relatively genial during this pregnancy, and obviously don't respond with these phrases. But I also know that most of the people who read my blog have been pregnant at one time or another, so you can probably relate. Obviously everybody thinks their way is the best and only way and if I'm not doing it their way then I'm "crazy" or "haven't done my research". Yes, I've had my feelings hurt on more than one occasion from people saying insensitive things, but for the most part I try to laugh it off. If you're ever pregnant and I dare say something insensitive to you, I give you full permission to punch me in the face.
Oh, and the next time somebody asks me "how much longer" I have, I'm gonna respond "til what?" ...I just wanna see what happens :-D